I started this blog to share our journey with our son Mikael who has autism. This post means I am baring my soul and opening up a wound that is healing a little more each day. I know that you have probably heard so much about autism and have read countless blogs on autism. It is true, every journey is different because every child is different. No two children are the same whether they are considered “normal” or having autism. I put the word normal in parentheses because I feel as though when they are comparing a child with autism to another child they always put an emphasis on how “normal” the other child is.
Anyways…these are my thoughts, our journey, my blood, sweat, and tears…literally.
Mikael was diagnosed on October 6, 2011. I was at the doctor’s office with our son who at the time was a little over 3. My husband had to work. My earth was rocked to it’s core. I felt as though I had lost something so near and dear to me. I had…I most definitely had. I lost the dreams that I had for our son…we lost the dreams we had for our son. Nothing changed but at the same time everything changed. Our future was now a toss up, our son’s future was now a toss up. I cried and I was in a daze for awhile. I had to tell my husband that night. I told him through text…how heroic of me right. He had known that this appointment was different that we would finally be able to put our questions to rest. We had been flip flopping for a few months if we should have a neuro developmental evaluation done. We finally decided it was time.
The day is as vivid as the day my mother died. I know it is. because it is the moment that our life changed but we didn’t know what the change meant. I asked the doctor what will change and she simply told me “Nothing, at this point in time there is nothing different to be done”. He was enrolled in developmental preschool, occupational therapy, speech therapy etc.
We wanted answers. I so desperately wanted to know what this diagnoses meant for my little boy. There are no real answers as to what causes autism. Frankly, over the past year or so I am tired of hearing all the “possible causes”. All I know is that he has autism and we love him and we are doing everything we can.
He is an amazing little boy. He has come so far from where we were on October 6th. It hasn’t been easy. I have had meltdowns with my son. I have had to lock myself in my room during my son’s meltdowns so that I can breathe and figure out what the hell I am going to do next. I have cried at night wondering how things will be tomorrow or how things will be 10 years from now. My husband has cried and wondered the exact same things.
We had to let go of the dreams we had for him. We have to and are creating new dreams and taking it one day at a time instead of worrying about the unknown future. Mikael has become our greatest teacher…
We are sure of a few things:
We love him unconditionally with or without the autism diagnosis.
We are and will do everything we can to help him be successful.
He has autism and we don’t know what caused it and we are tired of hearing about all the “possible causes”.
Some days are hell and some days are a dream. However, whose life doesn’t have ups or downs?
Some of the things we do to help him may not make sense to the rest of the world. But they make sense to him and us.
That’s all for tonight. Little man is currently gathering his books and bear to be read to and fall asleep…